Heartbreak at 2:30 in The Morning

When All Made Sense…. 

When all made sense, betrayal came upon realization.

Over time, clues have been left for me to see, to see the clarity of betrayal. I never thought about those clues nor thought that I would come face- to- face with the word. I was blind, let me rephrase that, I was blinded by my trust. Yes, I trust so easily. And it’s easy for him to break my trust over and over again. I did not judge, I just loved not holding back anything. I was a martyr, a martyr in love, but that was ages ago. I promised myself not to be that kind of person again. So I built my walls, guarded myself, protected my heart, strengthen my emotions and raised my pride.

I gave myself another chance to love fully, love without conditions, love without hesitations because I knew you. I gave you an access to my heart, yes, a key. You opened it again but only to thrash it, to wreck it, and yes, to abuse it time and time again. I trusted you fully with it. Honesty is the best policy, right? Then why can’t you be honest with me? It was always beating around the bush for us. I hoped, yes I hoped years ago that you would reach out to me, communicate, but those years of hoping were never heard nor given enlightenment. I abandoned hoping I switched to asking. That asking started a week ago today. The askings of honesty and another one, to fold your blanket before leaving the room. You did the latter, but it only lasted for two days, then forgot about it intentionally. Then you were coming up with excuses with me shutting my mouth after hearing your excuses. Silent not because I accept those excuses, but I think and analyze before uttering anything. About my first asking, you did what I plead from you, but you did just 20% out of the times you asked for my permission that you will go somewhere. The first asking was, me asking for his complete honesty when he asks for my permission if he’ll go somewhere. Here is an example of it, he was informing me one afternoon that he will just go to the gasoline station to fill up his motorcycle, but it took him two hours. I was fuming because it was already dinnertime when he got back. I know consciously that he does not have affairs with other girls, but I don’t know with the unconscious part, and hey this is my non-judgmental self talking. But these things kept on happening after our talk, after my askings.  So naïve of me, very naïve, I just loved, you know.

So what made me write about this: First, I am hurt, I am, as in recently thus with the title of this write-up. I am hurt so I thought I could not tell this open-heatedly with someone especially my family because I know they’ll just tell to my face the I- TOLD- YOU-SO banners and placards and with my pride that goes with those placards, I don’t know if it can recover again. So my best buddy, shoulder to lean on, confidant, ears to listen is my blog. I don’t care if someone will read this and give negative feedbacks as long as I have my blog to listen to me vent. You know I really need a breather, don’t you think?

So second, I kinda wrote about it in my first because/ reason. Heartbreak at 2:30 am? He just did it again. I don’t know if he has a conscience in him or he’s just too insensitive which leads to hurting me over and over again. So here it is ( I know the tone of this and the previous paragraphs are kind of off but understand me here please, I’m undergoing the D-A-B-D-A stages, I’m currently in Anger) I was surprised and kind of taken a back yesterday because he informed me that  he will traveling today to Boracay for a seminar.  Who wouldn’t be surprised? Yes a day ago he just informed me, when he usually informs me a week before the date of travel. Something’s smelly right? The ever non- judgmental self of mine never thought of him having an affair, (why am I not good in judging or giving doubts Ma?). I only pieced everything together just right when the clock turned to 2:30 in the morning, minutes after he left for the so- called seminar. Why can’t he be honest with me, yes, I would have questions for him but I won’t stop him from going. I know it’s the current local administration’s despedida or whatever treat for the loyal employees, but my question is still WHY CANT HE BE HONEST WITH ME!!! I don’t know what to feel anymore. I feel so exhausted and dead- tired with these stupid questions in my head. That got me crying there. I feel so hopeless and so betrayed. I value honesty a lot and I know I will not get that from him ever. I feel so over-used that I don’t want to understand anymore. I’m just too tired emotionally and physically because of the crying and this, staying out late just to pour my hurt in this blog. I know he’ll come up with excuses and my ears already shut involuntarily for him when tears started to fall around 2:30 am.

Let us continue…

When all made sense, regrets followed betrayal.

Bargaining stage of grief, that is where I am now.

Regrets?... many. I regretted the day I became stupid because of him. I regretted the day I became acquainted with naivety. I regretted the day this heart of mine became a fool to fall for someone not deserving of it. I regretted the day… yes, I am sorry but I really regret the day I came to know him, and that was the first day my cousin told me to guard my heart.  Times are wasted.  Might- have- been- fruitful years went by. I chose him, because I chose him. That is regret right there.

After the realization, my Mama’s name could have been heard if someone might be listening during my sobs. A hard- headed person never listened to anyone and became friends with regret. In times like this, the best relief would have been the comforting words of a mother. Ma, sorry, I never listened. Nanay, sorry I left. Sorry was all I can utter and only the tears will alleviate this longing.

If you will read this, and yeah, I’m planning to print this and let you read. Remember I texted you about The Boy Who Cried Wolf and asked that if you are not familiar with the story, you better research it on line and I hope you ponder on it. I also hope you’ll get my point with it. But I don’t want to expect but I’ll just simply assume that you won’t understand it. So here it is, the moral of the story which I hope you’ll fish out of the story is HONESTY, INSENSITIVITY,  APATHY and SELF- CENTEREDNESS never mix together. Is honesty too much to handle? Will it hurt your ego, if you tell the truth? Will it make you less manly? Will taking other’s feelings for granted give you hype and make you cool? I don’t know about you but for me, all of those do not make me a better person.

You know trust is a big thing in relationships, right? And you also know that when trust is tainted, you cannot get it back, fix it and let it be the way it was before. The complete representation of it is, really, a vase or anything breakable. A vase, once dropped and broken, no matter how you fix it, or glue it, it will never be whole again. Like Trust, I don’t know if we could ever fix it. It will forever be broken, tainted.

Communication, which has been our problem since time immemorial, pun intended. I don’t know if you were aware of it, but yes, that has been my problem with you.  It was never established between us and I don’t think it will ever be built up for us. Because I don’t know any more if I can trust myself to you. I’m broken, like a vase and you know what? I don’t want to be fixed again by you.

Here’s a thing, I came up with just one reason with this dishonesty problem of you. I think you’re not brave enough to tell me anything because you might let me feel

that you’re enjoying your life and me just staying here in the house and not feeling the hype of life. I think you want to enjoy the freedom of being you, no one to nag you, no one to notice anything you do. I know you don’t understand these qualms of mine but feel free to come to me and ask and I’ll explain to you. I promise to help you understand all of these.

I have to put all of these in writing because I’m not a vocal person and I don’t know if I can open my mouth and just say these things to you. So I put it here through writing so I can better express myself fully.

So here is the last paragraph for this entry, I’ll just ask you two things and please, please this time, let me have a glimpse of honesty in yourself, ok?

First…

DO YOU WANT TO BE SINGLE AGAIN AND LIVE FREELY, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO?

Second…

CAN WE BOTH BE HAPPY?

I know you have questions there, but please feel free to ask, I’ll answer it with complete honesty, I won’t hold back anything.

But please remember, A VASE CAN NEVER BE WHOLE AGAIN ONCE IT IS BROKEN.

Currently, in the stage of depression… and ending this entry there…