Heads Up Guys....

The entry that I posted prior to this is supposed to be in a third person POV but it turned out differently. . .

yes, supposed to be there is no smug in it, but emotions got in the way and made it from my POV. . . sorry, but that was really me having a heartbreak at 2:30 am. . .

sorry, if it was full of angst, just cant help it though. i tried writing it in a story-telling way with all the churvas but nah, i failed. . . i was just venting though. . ..

Heartbreak at 2:30 in The Morning

When All Made Sense…. 

When all made sense, betrayal came upon realization.

Over time, clues have been left for me to see, to see the clarity of betrayal. I never thought about those clues nor thought that I would come face- to- face with the word. I was blind, let me rephrase that, I was blinded by my trust. Yes, I trust so easily. And it’s easy for him to break my trust over and over again. I did not judge, I just loved not holding back anything. I was a martyr, a martyr in love, but that was ages ago. I promised myself not to be that kind of person again. So I built my walls, guarded myself, protected my heart, strengthen my emotions and raised my pride.

I gave myself another chance to love fully, love without conditions, love without hesitations because I knew you. I gave you an access to my heart, yes, a key. You opened it again but only to thrash it, to wreck it, and yes, to abuse it time and time again. I trusted you fully with it. Honesty is the best policy, right? Then why can’t you be honest with me? It was always beating around the bush for us. I hoped, yes I hoped years ago that you would reach out to me, communicate, but those years of hoping were never heard nor given enlightenment. I abandoned hoping I switched to asking. That asking started a week ago today. The askings of honesty and another one, to fold your blanket before leaving the room. You did the latter, but it only lasted for two days, then forgot about it intentionally. Then you were coming up with excuses with me shutting my mouth after hearing your excuses. Silent not because I accept those excuses, but I think and analyze before uttering anything. About my first asking, you did what I plead from you, but you did just 20% out of the times you asked for my permission that you will go somewhere. The first asking was, me asking for his complete honesty when he asks for my permission if he’ll go somewhere. Here is an example of it, he was informing me one afternoon that he will just go to the gasoline station to fill up his motorcycle, but it took him two hours. I was fuming because it was already dinnertime when he got back. I know consciously that he does not have affairs with other girls, but I don’t know with the unconscious part, and hey this is my non-judgmental self talking. But these things kept on happening after our talk, after my askings.  So naïve of me, very naïve, I just loved, you know.

So what made me write about this: First, I am hurt, I am, as in recently thus with the title of this write-up. I am hurt so I thought I could not tell this open-heatedly with someone especially my family because I know they’ll just tell to my face the I- TOLD- YOU-SO banners and placards and with my pride that goes with those placards, I don’t know if it can recover again. So my best buddy, shoulder to lean on, confidant, ears to listen is my blog. I don’t care if someone will read this and give negative feedbacks as long as I have my blog to listen to me vent. You know I really need a breather, don’t you think?

So second, I kinda wrote about it in my first because/ reason. Heartbreak at 2:30 am? He just did it again. I don’t know if he has a conscience in him or he’s just too insensitive which leads to hurting me over and over again. So here it is ( I know the tone of this and the previous paragraphs are kind of off but understand me here please, I’m undergoing the D-A-B-D-A stages, I’m currently in Anger) I was surprised and kind of taken a back yesterday because he informed me that  he will traveling today to Boracay for a seminar.  Who wouldn’t be surprised? Yes a day ago he just informed me, when he usually informs me a week before the date of travel. Something’s smelly right? The ever non- judgmental self of mine never thought of him having an affair, (why am I not good in judging or giving doubts Ma?). I only pieced everything together just right when the clock turned to 2:30 in the morning, minutes after he left for the so- called seminar. Why can’t he be honest with me, yes, I would have questions for him but I won’t stop him from going. I know it’s the current local administration’s despedida or whatever treat for the loyal employees, but my question is still WHY CANT HE BE HONEST WITH ME!!! I don’t know what to feel anymore. I feel so exhausted and dead- tired with these stupid questions in my head. That got me crying there. I feel so hopeless and so betrayed. I value honesty a lot and I know I will not get that from him ever. I feel so over-used that I don’t want to understand anymore. I’m just too tired emotionally and physically because of the crying and this, staying out late just to pour my hurt in this blog. I know he’ll come up with excuses and my ears already shut involuntarily for him when tears started to fall around 2:30 am.

Let us continue…

When all made sense, regrets followed betrayal.

Bargaining stage of grief, that is where I am now.

Regrets?... many. I regretted the day I became stupid because of him. I regretted the day I became acquainted with naivety. I regretted the day this heart of mine became a fool to fall for someone not deserving of it. I regretted the day… yes, I am sorry but I really regret the day I came to know him, and that was the first day my cousin told me to guard my heart.  Times are wasted.  Might- have- been- fruitful years went by. I chose him, because I chose him. That is regret right there.

After the realization, my Mama’s name could have been heard if someone might be listening during my sobs. A hard- headed person never listened to anyone and became friends with regret. In times like this, the best relief would have been the comforting words of a mother. Ma, sorry, I never listened. Nanay, sorry I left. Sorry was all I can utter and only the tears will alleviate this longing.

If you will read this, and yeah, I’m planning to print this and let you read. Remember I texted you about The Boy Who Cried Wolf and asked that if you are not familiar with the story, you better research it on line and I hope you ponder on it. I also hope you’ll get my point with it. But I don’t want to expect but I’ll just simply assume that you won’t understand it. So here it is, the moral of the story which I hope you’ll fish out of the story is HONESTY, INSENSITIVITY,  APATHY and SELF- CENTEREDNESS never mix together. Is honesty too much to handle? Will it hurt your ego, if you tell the truth? Will it make you less manly? Will taking other’s feelings for granted give you hype and make you cool? I don’t know about you but for me, all of those do not make me a better person.

You know trust is a big thing in relationships, right? And you also know that when trust is tainted, you cannot get it back, fix it and let it be the way it was before. The complete representation of it is, really, a vase or anything breakable. A vase, once dropped and broken, no matter how you fix it, or glue it, it will never be whole again. Like Trust, I don’t know if we could ever fix it. It will forever be broken, tainted.

Communication, which has been our problem since time immemorial, pun intended. I don’t know if you were aware of it, but yes, that has been my problem with you.  It was never established between us and I don’t think it will ever be built up for us. Because I don’t know any more if I can trust myself to you. I’m broken, like a vase and you know what? I don’t want to be fixed again by you.

Here’s a thing, I came up with just one reason with this dishonesty problem of you. I think you’re not brave enough to tell me anything because you might let me feel

that you’re enjoying your life and me just staying here in the house and not feeling the hype of life. I think you want to enjoy the freedom of being you, no one to nag you, no one to notice anything you do. I know you don’t understand these qualms of mine but feel free to come to me and ask and I’ll explain to you. I promise to help you understand all of these.

I have to put all of these in writing because I’m not a vocal person and I don’t know if I can open my mouth and just say these things to you. So I put it here through writing so I can better express myself fully.

So here is the last paragraph for this entry, I’ll just ask you two things and please, please this time, let me have a glimpse of honesty in yourself, ok?

First…

DO YOU WANT TO BE SINGLE AGAIN AND LIVE FREELY, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO?

Second…

CAN WE BOTH BE HAPPY?

I know you have questions there, but please feel free to ask, I’ll answer it with complete honesty, I won’t hold back anything.

But please remember, A VASE CAN NEVER BE WHOLE AGAIN ONCE IT IS BROKEN.

Currently, in the stage of depression… and ending this entry there…

Valentine Blues

Dear blogger!

Hello! Hello! February 14 is fast approaching! It’s only 5 days away… so the questions are:

1.       Who’s your date on Valentine’s?

2.       Where will you go on a date?

3.       Are you sure you have a date?

4.       Will there be someone who will ask you out?

5.       Date or just bed?

6.       What do you want to have on Valentine’s day?

7.       Let me rephrase no 6, what do you wish for on Valentine ’s Day?

This me on Valentine’s day…

Plan? Hmmm…. Of course, I have a plan! But my plan is very unusual. Actually, among the questions above, I would rather answer 6 and 7. I know, I know, those 2 are the same. So here it is!

WHAT DO YOU WISH FOR ON VALENTINE’S DAY????

I only have one wish… It’s not cheesy, it’s not romantic either. Okay! Here it is… For Valentine’s day, I only want a pink/orange/yellow-green/dark-blue ukulele from Uke Box. .. . okay that’s all!

I used to fantasize and to daydream of having a date on the 14^th of February. Take note of the words, I USED TO. I used to imagine what it’s like to be on a date, but when I knew my current boyfriend for 8 years, I would opt to keep using the phrase, I USED TO. Of course, in a relationship, it starts with being sweet then as time passes by, that sweetness fades. Grrrr!

Ok back to the subject on hand…

A ukulele! I’ve been dying to get a ukulele! I was on encouraged my staffs and dabakards from EAT BULAGA! (a noontime show in channel 7, GMA) to try ukulele. It seems that most of the people in that show are learning the ukulele. As a guitar player, I wanted to try something new, and I know it will not be hard for me to learn the uke since I have a background in playing the guitar. And, I think it’s easier to play the ukulele since it only has four strings compared to the 6 strings of a guitar.

So here is why I named this blog entry Valentine Blues:

Let me share this very irritating and still continues to piss me off convo that me and my boyfriend had two days ago.

I was busy tweeting and he came into the room, me (being the “ME”), told him… “Moy, I know what I want for V-day”, and he was like giving me that stern-look of his asked me what, then I said, “ Can you please buy me a Ukelele from Uke Box in Quezon City? They can ship it”, then again with that stern-look. He said, “Okay, but on one condition” me: “what?” him: “You sell first your guitar”. And I was like WTF! Why do I have to sell my guitar? Will that get in the way of me playing ukulele? Will my guitar get jealous because I will have a new friend? Does my guitar have feelings? Is my guitar alive to feel jealous? Or is my boyfriend so irrational? I guess the last question is the one…

I was so pissed off that I kept on ranting in Twitter the whole afternoon. You may call me OA but you don’t get what I was feeling that day. In order to have something new, do you need to let go of something you had for a very long time? Wow naman Tsong, ang babaw mo!

(c) pretteatraveler, Uke Box Caffe, FB page: www.facebook.com/ukeboxcaffe

Until now, I’m not ready to drop off that subject, I still insist the Ukelele even though I get the same response from him. If he won’t really buy me then I’m planning to buy it for myself next month since I will be traveling to Manila. Valentine blues, I bet this will still continue post- Valentine.

With love,

Shan (a lover of sting instruments)

P.S.: This is me ranting again and I’m not gonna move on. 

if you plan to buy a Ukelele i recommend you come and visit Uke Box Caffe in Quezon City.

here is there FB page: www.facebook.com/ukeboxcaffe

“Marami na tayong pinagdaanan, ngayon pa ba tayo susuko?”…

Love and sacrifice…

     Hindi nagkakalayo ang mga salitang yan. Kaya mo ba isakripisyo ang pagmamahal mo alang alang sa pamilya mo? At kaya mo bang I let go ang mahal mo kahit alam mong masasaktan ka ng sobra?

     Kalyeserye, November 26, 2015 episode #ALDUB19thWeeksary

   Recap na lang po ako… Inaayos na ni Yaya Dub ang kanyang mga papeles para sa scholarship nya, at parang desidido na siyang umalis. Si Alden humingi pa ng pang-unawa mula sa Lola Babah nya pero parang hindi na mapaki-usapan ang lola nya. Natapos ang episode na humuling si Alden kay Yaya na hintayin siya (pupuntahan niya ata).

     Weeksary pa man din nila ngayon, pero ang lungkot- lungkot.  Parang pinipiga mo puso mo sa iyakan ng dalawa. Effective kasi yong acting ng dalawang ang sarap kurutin (hehe joke).

    Pero balik po tayo sa subject ng post na ito… Maraming negatrons ang bumabash ngayon sa character ni Yaya Dub kasi daw parang sumuko na agad, na sana ipaglaban niya din si Alden katulad ng effort ni Alden noon sa kanya.

      Here are my thoughts for you negatrons…

1      1. Babae si Yaya Dub, ang mga babae mas marunong umintindi. Tayong mga babae, hindi     tayo sugod ng sugod. We weigh the pros and cons of the action. We see reason rather  than the action. Hindi tayo lalake na we can do all things without thinking of the             consequences.

2   2. Gusto mo bang papiliin mahal mo kung sino sa inyo ng pamilya nya ang mas mabigat sa      puso nya?

    3.   Yaya Dub’s character knows sacrifice. She is selfless. Kahit na masaktan siya pero      dahil mahal na mahal niya kaya niyang I let go because nga of number 2.

   4. Alden, remember mo yong sinabi ni Lola Nidora noong episode of November 14, yun      yong date ng the comeback mo from Japan pa more, sabi ni Lola, “Kung si Yaya ang        mahina, maging malakas ka”. 

        Kaya hindi madali ang situation ni Yaya, kaya niyang mag give way para hindi na mahirapan ang mahal niya. Sacrifice yon. Kasi sobrang love nya. Hindi mo naman sasaktan sarili mo sa desisyon mo kung hindi mo naman mahal.

The Basag-Trip Bully

Warning: this is not a typical Bully- Bullied story. This is my story. . .

     When I was still a little kid, people around me used to say  I have the "Superiority Complex". I was proud and hard- headed. Well as a kid, I don't know about that kind of attitude. I used to bully my playmates and my brother.  The only people I cant bully that time were my older cousins; because they were the ones who were bullying me. So, I should say, I learnt from the bests.

    Came Elementary years...

     When I was in grade, there was this one boy (a classmate of mine) who kept on bullying me. He always made fun of me; and I, just let him. I just collected my anger and stored it in a jar in a little corner in my head with the label, "Revenge will be fast- approaching". So anyways, as days went by, he was still bullying me, upto to the point when he was stabbing me with the sharp end of his pencil. I kept mum about it. .Never told my parents nor my teacher. Of course I held grudge. That classmate was also a neighbor of ours, and his parents knew me and my family. Still I kept mum about it...

    Then one day, that was a weekend.

     I was playing outside when his mother walked by. She asked me about his son's performance in school. Was he good in class? Was he participating in class activities? etc. etc etc. So, I told her, "Tita J.R. is very quiet in school (that's true) but Tita he was always stabbing me with his pencil" then I let her see the almost healed stab- wounds with matching puppy eyes and a hint of a tear. Yeah.... Bitter-sweet revenge!

    The next day, I saw him limping. .  hahaha. . . Revenge at its finest. I asked him with matching smirk, " Oyy kamusta? Masakit ba?" Hahahaha. From then on, I became the bully and he was the bullied. I didn't stab him like what he did to me, I just used my mouth and my punchy words.

     From then on the bullied became the bully.

     Next was in High School...

     I have this friend... Yes my bestfriend upto this day... When ever she opens her mouth to speak, I instantly "Bara" her. I dont know. there's something about her that need to be bullied. That's my way of showing my friendship. We've been friends for 16 years now, still I bully her. There were also these classmates of mine (HS classmates), they are a group and still a group upto this day, that I kept on bullying. In Facebook, whenever they have conversations or comments in their posts, I join uninvited and mess with their topic. But we all laugh when I "basag" their trip.

     College came....

     I became part of a all-guys group, I became their muse. These guys taught me the art of being a bully. Our other classmates were always the subject to be bullied, especially those classmates who are always quiet yong hindi umiimik sa klase, they were always the target. We did not bully like hurt them physically or utter downing words, Our ways are just to make the class laugh and create a lively environment.

    But with all those stories of mine. I can say to you I am not the bad bully type. . I'm just the "basag-trip" type. 

     I don't tolerate bullies who destroy or demean other people. I'm against those type of people.

To those who are being hurt or being destroyed by those kinds of people, dont hesitate to seek help from the proper authorities. 

-A friendly reminder from the basag- trip bully over here!.

Kalyeserye: November 25 #ALDUBApproval

My Own Version for the Continuation

Wedding on Saturday:

Cindy and Alden sa altar

(Alden looks at Cindy while tears are starting to fall). ..

Shift to next scene

At the same time, Yaya Dub and D' Explorer sisters are in the airport:

(hatid nila si Yaya, mag aaral abroad para sa business)

Lola Tidora: Mag-ingat ka sa London ha. Alagaan mo sarili mo dun. . Hindi man kami kasama mo papunta doon ngayon, bibisitahin ka naman namin doon (sabay ayos ng buhok ni Yaya)

Lola Tinidora: Divina, huwag mong aalahanin ‘tong si Ate Nidora, kami na ang bahala dito sa kanya. (hugs yaya)

Lola Nidora (Nangingiyakngiyak): Divina, apo, ang laki mo na. Parang kalian lang, hinahabol- habol pa kita ang likot mo kasi noong bata ka. Alam ko itong napagdesisyonan mong umalis, para ito sa puso mo. Nagmahal ka lang nang lubusan. Naiintindihan ko bakit kailangan mo ‘tong gawin. Pero Apo, sana huwag mong kalimutan na magdasal na sana tulungan ka Niyang makaraos sa sakit na nadarama mo ngayon at sana huwag mo din kalimutan na nandito kaming mga Lola mo. Mag-ingat ka doon. Hindi natatapos ang buhay dito. Pagready kana at nakabangon kana, nandito lang kami naghihintay sa pagbabalik mo, Apo.

Yaya (malungkot): Salamat mga Lola. Hindi ko na siguro alam ang gagawin ko kung wala kayo, masakit kasi. Kaya ko siyang ipaglaban pero alam ko naman kasi na wala akong laban doon kay Lola Babah, ayokong nahihirapan siya at ayoko siyang pumili samin. Pero sana sa pag-alis kong ito, huwag niya sanang isipin na hindi ko siya mahal. Alam ng Diyos at alam ko sa sarili ko kung ano talaga ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. (sabay punas ng luha)..

Lola Tinidora: Apo, alam kong alam niya rin yon. Sige na, pasok ka na. . 

(Divina hugs and kisses the Lolas then went inside the airport)

At the Church:

Priest: Alden, do you take Cindy to be your lawful wedded wife?

Alden (umiiyak): *tingin kay Cindy , sa Priest at kay Lola, umiiling, den tumakbo palabas. . sakay ng kotse papuntang airport*.  .

Lola Babah: (habol kay Alden) Aldrin, Aldrin!

Cindy: (natulala)

Airport Scene:

At waiting area…

Yaya Dub: (tulala, nag-iisip, naluluha. . .)

tumunog ang PA system: (Boarding na daw sila Yaya)

Yaya: *Nakatingin sa baba, nag pause at humingang malalim. Umiling, hinawakan ang passport at boarding pass at tumayo…. dinampot ang shoulder bag tinignan ang boarding gate… yumuko at humingang malalim ulit. .  sinimulan na ang paglakad papuntang gate nang napahinto, may humila ng bag nya. Dahan-dahang humarap at nagulat

Alden (Umiiyak, pulang-pula at tumutulo ang mga luha na nakabarong): Divina… please! (Hindi makasalita ng mabuti) Please Divina, please…

Yaya (gulat pa din pero mangiyakngiyak): Alden (mahina ang boses)… Ba’t ka nandito?

Alden: Alam ko at ramdan ko na hindi totoo yong sinabi mong may mahal kang iba! Ramdam ko… Ramdam na ramdam ko…

Yaya: (Natahimik, yumuko) Hindi naman kasi ganon ka dali (mahina parin ang boses)

Alden: Alam ko, ako lang! Alam ko… Alam ko kung bakit sinabi mo yon… Masakit pero naiintindihan ko… Marami na tayong pinagdaanan, ngayon pa ba tayo susuko? Maalden na maalden kita!

Yaya: (Tumingin sa boarding gate)

Alden: Huwag kang mag iisip na pupunta ka dyan (sabay turo sa boarding gate)

Yaya: Ako kasi ang nahihirapan kahit na ikaw ang pinapipili ng Lola mo, ayokong maging rason kung magkalamat kayo ng lola mo. Oo, maalden kita pero, ayokong naiipit ka.

Alden: Akong bahala sa lola ko, basta please. .huwag kang umalis, huwag mo akong iwan. Hindi ko kayang wala ka. Hindi na ako buo kung aalis ka, alam mo at sinabi ko sayo na ikaw lang ang nagpapakumpleto sa pagkatao ko, kung aalis ka, hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa buhay ko. Tingnan mo ako ng diretso…

Yaya: (hindi na mapigilan ang mga luha, pero naka yuko parin).. *Umiiling*

PA SYSTEM: Calling the attention of the remaining passenger, please go to the boarding gate now… Ms. Divina Ursula Bokbokova Smash, please proceed to the boarding gate now…

Alden: (tumalikod kay yaya, hindi mapakali, namumula, hindi alam ang gagawin. . . humarap kay Divina at mabilis na lumuhod)

Yaya: Hooy Alden.. ano kaba… Pinapahirapan mo namn ako nyan..

Alden: Please? Huwag mo kong iwan.. (Nagmamakaawa na)

Yaya: Hindi…. Kasi… Alden.. Kasi… Ano…

Alden: (may kinuha sa bulsa) Hindi ako magpo-prose.. (kinuha ang Sing-sing ni Lola) Nakita ko to noong gabi na sinabihan mo akong may mahal kang iba, alam ko sign itong pagkakita ko na hindi totoo ang mga sinabi mo.

Yaya: (gulat na gulat) yong Lola Babah mo kasi..

PA System: Last call for the remaining passenger of flight UL 672535 bound to Heathrow Airport, Ms. Divina Ursula Bokbokova Smash, please proceed to the boarding gate now…

Alden: Ako na bahalang humarap sa kanya, sa ginawa ko kanina sa simbahan, alam na niya na ayoko talaga. (inoffer ang sing-sing kay Divina) Sabi ni Lola Nidora, ibigay ko daw to sa taong gusto kong makasama habambuhay. . . Hindi ako lumuluhod ngayon para hingin ang oo mo para sa kasal… pero hiningi ko ngayon ang permiso mong ligawan kita at kilalanin kang mabuti bago kita aaya-in magpakasal..

Yaya: Oo Alden.. Oo!. .

Alden: Thank you! (Sabay tayo at yakap kay Divina ng mahigpit) Thank you.. Alam ko kasi ikaw ang kukumpleto sa buhay ko.. Thank you!

Yaya: (Nakayakap habang tinatanaw ang boarding gate na magsasara na.) Yong London kasi, gusto kong igrab para sa sarili ko, kina Lola (D’ Explorer sisters) at para sayo. . . kahit at kung ikinisal ka ngayong araw, gusto ko sanang magka restaurant para may masasabi akong pinaghirapan ko to para sa pagmamahal ko sayo Alden.

Alden: (humigpit lalo ang yakap kay Divina) We can always go to London to pursue your dreams. I will always support you kasi alam ko para din sa atin yon.  Maalden kita Divina.

Yaya: Aldub you too Alden..

Yummy Yum Yum

I did not eat dinner earlier tonight because I was not feeling well. But 9 pm came and knocked on my stomach so I cooked this.

Yum yum, isn’t it? Perfect dinner it is! Together with the rice are these: Fried Tangigue with fried garlic on the side (4 cloves).